the decision

Last fall I decided I wanted to experience 2018 completely sober. The craziness of the world had something to do with the decision but mostly it was because I was curious to see if and how my life would change and to challenge myself to sit through the difficult spots without self medicating or running away, (I'm really good at running away).

I had quit my job in September, realizing that since the death of my parents a year earlier, I hadn't really been able to get my head back in the game. So, I left and decided that taking a time out to finish writing a book I'd been working on for years was a valiant goal. I had no idea, (still don't!), how I was going to support myself long term. I had enough savings for about 6 months but, I figured if Donald Trump can be President of the United States then anything is possible. I spread my wings and jumped and prayed that over the months of not knowing my wings would grow bigger and stronger and carry me faithfully through the currents of uncertainty.

Now it's April and I am finally getting around to recording my year long journey of sobriety. Things are still uncertain and I am learning the value of staying present. I've finished writing my book and have some time for other things before I need to head back to work to support myself. Or not.

I'm not quite, but nearly, out of money. But I'm not lacking in resources or joy. And while the last few months have been uncertain they have been some of the most fulfilling, especially since moving to Utah nearly 5 years ago. I have been living the creative life I have oft dreamt of. Really, actually living it! And so today, on my hike, I was wondering what it would be like to sell my home and pay off all the debt I have accumulated and just start over. The idea thrilled me! But the nuts and bolts of actually doing that doesn't sound so fun. So today, that's where I am at; trying to reconcile where I am with where I want to be. Trying to stay present while not losing sight of the vision I have for myself.

And the alcohol? I'm not missing it one bit!